


Until Today

by khh1961



Category: JAG (TV 1995)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-02
Updated: 2020-08-09
Packaged: 2021-01-20 19:30:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,919
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21286985
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/khh1961/pseuds/khh1961
Summary: Time and distance have kept them apart for over 9 years. Will fate bring them back to each other?
Relationships: Sarah MacKenzie/Harmon Rabb Jr.
Comments: 9
Kudos: 22





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is just a 'short and sweet' peek into the lives of two of my favorite characters. Can it be more? Is there enough here to build on? Feedback is greatly appreciated.

She sat deeply on the oversized sofa, long, delicate fingers wrapped around a steaming mug of hot chocolate. It was so quiet, and she was grateful for the peace and serenity after a long, emotional day. Her faithful dog laid at her feet, taking his job as comforter and protector very seriously, even in his old age. The soft strains of music came from the radio in the next room, some old song from the 80’s. Suddenly the lyrics became the only sound filling her ears; “Oceans apart, day after day, and I slowly go insane…” Her thoughts instantly shifted to him, picturing him standing tall and commanding on the bridge of the carrier, looking out to sea, the sea that he loved so deeply; the sea that he had ultimately chosen over loving her. “I hear your voice on the line, but it doesn’t stop the pain…” It had been so long since they’d actually spoken to each other, even longer since they had seen each other face to face. Until today.

He put that old F-14 Tomcat down on the deck of the USS Allegiance with the ease of someone parallel parking a Fiat. It all seemed such a natural process for him, like muscle memory. He was still fearless, and still cut quite the dashing figure as he strode across the flight deck to the hatch, confidence exuding from his cool, long-legged stride. The difference was that he was a lot less arrogant and cocky than he had been all those years ago, back when he thought he was bulletproof. These days he gave the ocean, the air, and the pitching deck the respect they were rightly due. Amazing how getting older really did seem to have made him smarter, more confident, more certain than ever about what he wanted from his life, and for his future. At least he thought so.  
Until today.


	2. Reflections

She honestly thought she had buried all those feelings for him so deeply and so many years ago that they stood no chance at all of ever reawakening. Yet here she was now, awash in them once again, powerful waves of emotion crashing over her as if it were just yesterday that her heart belonged only to him, that he was surely the one meant to be her forever love. 

The fire between them had burned for nine long years, growing from the smallest spark to a blazing bonfire before they had finally surrendered to the heat. They were going to be married and at last have the life together they had each dreamed of, longed for, if only in silence, so careful never to let the other see.

Even now she still wondered what had happened between them, how it was that they had come to this place, ‘oceans apart, day after day’. Being so deep in love as they were, so obviously fated to be together, they should have been able to weather any obstacles in their path, ride out any of the inevitable rough waters that strike almost every loving relationship at one point or another.

They were both strong-willed and mule-headed, fiercely proud and independent, passionately devoted not just to each other, but also to their military careers. And that was the truth that gave rise to the 500-pound gorilla in the room.  
Could they really ‘just let fate decide’, let the chips (or the coins) fall where they will and be ok with it? Or would the sacrifice of the one ultimately lead to resentment of the other, thus poisoning the well? 

He couldn’t just stop flying or give up life at sea. She couldn’t stop being a Marine- the very thing that had saved her life- or stop seeking justice for the wrongly accused. 

And so, after trying so hard to build a life together, they finally recognized that their individual lives were pulling them apart once again, perhaps for the last time. 

It surely felt final to her. She was destroyed, her heart and soul shattered. She even briefly flirted with drinking again though she ultimately chose sobriety over trying to drown her grief in copious amounts of alcohol. Besides, she knew there would never be enough booze in the world to make her forget him or erase the imprint he had left on her soul so many years ago. 

He did what he had always done best, take on new challenges, and try to stay so busy that he would have no time to acknowledge his grief. Maybe, just maybe, he’d be able to outrun that constant pain emanating from the Mac-sized hole in his heart.  
Sometimes it even worked for an hour or two. And then he would remember for a second how she had felt peacefully asleep in his arms, or the way he felt when she looked up at him with those deep brown eyes so full of love and passion. Then someone would yell ‘X.O.’, and he’d snap back to his present reality, the one where he existed without her. 

It was his own fault, he knew. It had to be. Even if he had wanted to, he could find no fault in her. Like so many sailors before him, even hundreds of years ago, the call of the sea was utterly irresistible, and he had no choice but to answer. 

As much pain as his choices had caused them both, he couldn’t say truthfully that he regretted his decision, or that he wouldn’t choose the same path if given the chance to do it all over again. But destroying the happiness they had waited so long to share and, in the process, breaking her heart so thoroughly was something he regretted every minute of every day for the last nine years. He knew he would regret it for the rest of his life. There could be no forgiveness for such an egregious sin. 

So, he smiled and pretended to be whole, and just carried on with the task at hand. Being the executive officer on a carrier for him meant being back in the saddle again. It was home. It was where he believed he had always belonged. He knew the sound, the smell, the feel of the ship as intimately as he had once known her. 

Was that it then? Had he really chosen his first love over the love of his life? It seemed he had. The bigger question was could he live with that choice, even if it meant he would always live without her? Was that really living though? Or was it simply a well-acted charade, a half-life, one in which he would never truly be whole again?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 'Will write for comments' ! Please let me know what you think. I feel like I'm onto something, but I'd very much appreciate your feedback.


	3. Chapter 3

She was mostly retired now, her days of kicking in doors and going all ninja on the bad guys for a living long past. She could still hold her own in a fight if she had too, thank you very much, but at a certain age the body takes a lot longer to bounce back from such encounters. 

She had settled in a little bungalow near the beach in San Diego, not far from where Harm had first taken her to meet his mom and step-dad in La Jolla, another lifetime ago. It was a peaceful place, and she still enjoyed taking her morning run beside the ocean just as the sun was coming up. 

She did some pro bono work when she felt the cause was just and she consulted for the agency from time to time, though her memories of Paraguay had left her extremely cautious about which of their assignments she was willing to accept. She still had nightmares about that experience, and it had taken her a long time to not jump at every shadow. Having Harm beside her in the aftermath had helped so much with her recovery, for she had always felt completely safe in his presence. 

Though they hadn’t spoken in many years, she still managed to keep tabs on him through mutual friends, always happy for his successes. She knew there had been other girlfriends since their split, but nothing serious. He was, after all it seemed, an incurable ladies man. She however had not dated at all since then, and had no plans to ever again. She still thought about having a child, but felt it would be inappropriate to approach him about the ‘baby deal’ they had made so many years ago on the front steps of JAG HQ, the promise to ‘go halves on a kid’ if neither of them were involved with someone else. 

She had been so certain that their married life would have produced children, maybe 2 or 3. For her, that was one of the greatest losses of their failed relationship and the one she had grieved most deeply. Chloe was grown now, needed her less and less as time passed. She still took great comfort in being ‘auntie’ to her friends’ children. Bud and Harriet had 4 now! Mike Roberts, Gunny, and Tiner had all become fathers- girls for Mike and Gunny, a boy for Tiner. Admiral Chegwidden was a grandfather twice over, doted on his grandbabies now that he was retired and had plenty of time to spend with them. As much as she loved having all these children in her life to some extent, it only seemed to make her own emptiness more poignant. But, with her typical Marine discipline, she simply didn’t allow herself to dwell on the subject; Best just to focus on whatever was presently at hand. 

She had received a phone call one afternoon from Hetty Lange, director of the NCIS in Los Angeles. Hetty was a legend in NCIS circles, a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma if ever there was one. She and Harm had worked with Hetty and her crew on occasion and so they were fairly well acquainted. But there was something about seeing that phone number on her caller ID that day that made the hair on the back of her neck stand up. It was a feeling she had learned the hard way to trust. Her intuition, or gut instinct, was almost never never wrong. As soon as Hetty mentioned a situation with a carrier deployed in the Arabian Sea, she knew. She knew it was his. She knew it would be him. And she was right, though she had hoped desperately to be wrong just this once. Her mind raced. She was tempted to say no without hearing any further details. Part of her wondered what it would be like to see him again, maybe even speak with him. Would he look the same? So many years had passed already, almost a decade. Surely they had both changed a bit?

In truth, she was every bit as beautiful as the day they had first met in the Rose Garden, when he looked at her as though he was seeing a ghost. Her dark brown eyes were stunning, perfection in her chestnut hair and olive skin. He couldn’t take his eyes off her, though in that moment it wasn’t exactly HER he was seeing. 

And yes, he was still devastatingly handsome, eyes a deep blue-green, the color of the sea, eyes she had loved to lose herself in laying in the safe harbor of his arms. Confident, cool, long and maybe not quite as lean as he once was, yet every bit the man she had fallen in love with and nearly lost her soul to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the slower than slow chapter postings here- inspiration has been a bit hard to come by lately. But your comments and feedback REALLY help!!

**Author's Note:**

> I have harbored tremendous resentment against Bellisario and company for the screwing we devoted fans got in the final episode. But seeing these two together, in the same room, at the same time, seems to have melted a lot of that away. I so want them to find the happiness they deserve. It's already way overdue.


End file.
